“Want to go to a Grammy party tonight?” my friend Sarah asked.

I said no. I was fasting and on the the fifth day of the Master Cleanse: a maple syrup, lemon and cayenne pepper concoction, and the only food I was allowed for the duration. Supposedly music stimulates the limbic system and the release of endorphins in the brain to provide feelings of well-being, just like a cheeseburger. It wasn’t working. I was still hungry.

“Come on. It will be fun. You can drink water.”

My friend Sarah works for Journey in the production department and she was only home for a couple of days before going out for months on tour again. A 2005 USA Today opinion poll named Journey the fifth best American rock band in history. I’m thinking that’s the Steve Perry version, and not the guy from youtube one. Where am I going with this? Well, the cast of “Glee” was nominated for a Grammy this year for best pop performance by a duo or group for a Journey song, “Don’t Stop Believin’.” They didn’t win, and I didn’t go to the Grammy party. I tivo’d the show and went to bed.

When another friend, Meghan, saw me the next day, she asked my thoughts on how Arcarde Fire stole the album of the year award from Eminem, Katy Perry and Lady Gaga. Meghan is part of the management team that works with Rush. Rush has been nominated for seven Grammys.




“Whose Arcade Fire?” you wonder? So did I. Apparently I am old. Arcade Fire is an indie band from Canada and not the only upset at the Grammys this year. Jazz bassist and singer Esperanza Spalding scooped the best new artist award out of the Bieb’s waiting arms. You know who else is from Canada? Justin Bieber and Drake.

And me, Smokie Lanark.

So I finally watched settled in on my couch and watched the Grammys, happily munching on sugar free granola and mixed nuts. I felt like I waited too long, like the bloom was off the rose. Awards shows need to be consumed fresh, like ultimate fighting, or… sushi.

Old meets new was fresh though.

I dig on almost every way they combined the old and the new this year: Dylan with Mumford and Sons, the Avett Brothers doing “Maggies Farm” was amazing, and yet I feel like I have to say that because it’s Dylan and if I didn’t say it, you would all know how uncool I really am. This is why I don’t watch the Grammys with music people. Last year I pretended not to like Taylor Swift and Stevie Nicks. But I did. I do. Know who else I love? Dolly Parton. Yep. Because of her giant boobs and her wigs? Probably. But John Mayer, Norah Jones and Keith Urban killed “Jolenne.”




Speaking of over the top (like Dolly) I have to mention Ceelo with Gwyneth and the backup muppets or puppets, or whatever they were. Coincidence that there were Muppets on Top Chef a few days later? Or is it just because everyone in Hollywood has toddlers right now? But I digress…




Now if only they could have put Eminem rapping with Babs or the David Guetta mix of “Evergreen”.




That song makes me uncomfortable. It reminds me of the “chin up” moments in the movies of my childhood, like when Charlotte dies. Or when the Rescuers couldn’t find Penny.



The acoustic version of “Need You Now” mashed up with the tribute to Harold Melvin though, had me verklempt. Who hasn’t been a little drunk and called? Definitely not me. Ahem…




This years Grammys had its largest TV audience in a decade.

Now the Oscars, I watched live. Drinking. With chips. And still it was, meh. No surprises, other than the best supporting actress busting out the “F” word:



We all knew who was going to win and they did. Props to the inclusion of Kirk Douglas though, because you know what the young people like? Old stuff. Things re-imagined. They are drinking gimlets, wearing fedoras, buying vintage and mixing Chanel with Royal Elastics. They are listening to Arcade Fire and Bob Dylan and wearing Rodarte, the label responsible for many of the costumes in Black Swan.

httpv://laist.com/2010/11/29/la-based_rodarte_designs_killer_cos.php

They like to be surprised too. But who was surprised about Natalie Portman’s win, or the King’s Speech, or that The Social Network missing out because it was impossible for anyone to make Mark Zuckerberg likable, even when played by the adorable Jesse Eisenberg?



I saw The Social Network, and The Fighter. Christian Bale personified the idea (from Niki Stevens on The L Word) that you have to play ugly, retarded or a lesbian to win an Oscar. I was grinding my teeth like a crackhead through the whole movie. Hey, they bought you some teeth. And then I was totally thrown by the accent when he accepted, forgetting he was from Wales, and not a crackhead.



Only two of the nominated films? Why? Because now I have the plan B job that all of us have in order to afford the plan A commitment, and it means that I can’t go to the movies, much. You know what my acting coach said? Don’t have a plan B. Be desperate. Live out of your car, like Jewel, and Hilary Swank. I can’t. I have dogs. Sorry Bob.

But I won’t give up, because however long it takes, is how long it takes. David Seidler and Diablo Cody give me hope.



But the ratings, the hosts, the blatant pandering to the “younger, hipper audience” smacked of desperation. Anne Hathaway? Bless her heart for trying so hard. Loved her in every single one of those dresses, but where was the mashup? Hosting the Oscars maybe they should try James Franco and Jack Nicolson… No, James Franco and William Shatner…
NO…
Barbara Striesand…

YES!

Now THAT would entertain…

To contact Smokie Lanark email: jezebel1974@gmail.com