I’m more of an Independent Spirit Awards kind of girl; irreverent hosts, a casual setting and films that are truly that: films. There is a great divide between films and movies, so I’m quite clear on what to expect when watching the Oscars: Politics, fashion, preening and PR…with a side of awards. While there are great actors working today, there are no movie stars. No leading men who take my breath away like Bogart, Gable, Grant or Stewart; no sirens like Dietrich, Bacall, and Taylor and slim to none talent like Garbo, Hepburn, Davis, Crawford, or Stanwyck. There is no palpable heat or unconscious leg-crossing the likes of which Brando, Newman, Redford and Poitier gave us, and no dance wonders like Astaire, Kelly, or O’Conner to trip the light classy and fantastic. Nobody today does comedy like Lewis, Hope, Lemon, Sellers or Lombarde, and name me an equal to character actors Edward G. Robinson or James Cagney and I’ll give up cheese for a week. What we do have, ladies and germs, are James Franco and Anne Hathaway to carry the torch of all those on what is supposed to be the biggest night of the year honoring the film industry.

Annnnnnnd, I just threw up in my mouth a little.

I’m a filmmaker and a writer, and I acted for years and years, but the eye I see with, when watching something as abominable as this past Oscar ceremony, is that of a sociologist. Sociology is the study of society.[1] It is a social science—which uses various methods of empirical investigation[2] and critical analysis[3] to develop and refine a body of knowledge about human social activity (sociological theory), often with the goal of applying such knowledge to the pursuit of social welfare (social theory). Now that I quoted Wikipedia to appear an erudite researcher, let me speak in layman’s terms.

What the fuck were they thinking???

James Franco, whose immense success I will never understand, showed up as his character from Pineapple Express. He had not an ounce of energy, charisma, or humor and was clearly stoned on some seriously fine medical marijuana. He squinted all night like a fifteen year old kid in Indiana on YouTube doing a very bad Robert DeNiro impression, and put as much effort into being there for his co-host as a high school quarterback with a full football scholarship would for his pregnant tenth grade girlfriend. But I don’t blame you James Franco. Get that check. (And ruin your blessings of mostly undeserved career success for taking a job at which you knew in your heart you’d suck, numbnuts.) Oh no, who I blame for those arduous three plus hours are the idiots who hired him: producers Bruce Cohen, Don Mischer, and Academy president Tom Sherak. They should’ve known, like all of America, that Franco is not an ENTERTAINER nor is he FUNNY. It is they who need to be on the Oscars’ stage next year, tied up naked while Mike Tyson plays with their balls for the entire broadcast for the torture they made us endure. Then maybe America and I will call it even.

Too harsh? Sorry. I momentarily lapsed into my ethically questionable fantasy world of penance for an Ex of mine.

What was the first inanely bad decision? The Academy chose to skew young for increased viewership. It didn’t work. The overall audience fell by 9%, and the age of the average viewer actually edged up to 50.6 years old continuing a decade-long rise from 44.5 years old in 2001. Save The Social Network and Black Swan, of the nominated films’ lead actors most are in their 30’s and 40’s. Logic dictates that, during the worst movie-going period in history, grown-ass people went to see these films. But let’s ignore logic, statistics and common sense because they have no place in Hollywood. So fine, go for it Academy. Get your not-so-revolutionary-idea groove on and try the whole target “young” thing. Then, why not ponder hosts like Ben Stiller or Zach Galifianakis, whose movies are wildly popular with the younger demographic and who are both COMICS? Or, pair either with Jonah Hill whose stoicism, unlike James Franco, is FUNNY? How about thinking about far away notions like chemistry between the two people that are going to be on stage for an inordinate amount of time? Or, at least notice when there isn’t any. Dozens of other smart salient choices were to be had Academy, but smart, salient, and Hollywood will never be a trifecta. It just ain’t the days of old where class, elegance and movie stars abide, and, it will never be as long as idiots responsible for decision making hold the ranks of Academy control.

P.S: I forgive you Anne Hathaway; for as annoying as you were and as much as I wanted to reach through my TV screen and slap sense into you, you were left with no choice but to overcompensate and morph into a Laugh-In extra just to stay afloat with that corpse beside you.

Like the ones who comfort those who lose (in this case, us) often say, “There’s always next year.” I, for one, will continue to cushion the inevitable blow with my fandom of the always satisfying Independent Spirit Awards who keep it simple: Honoring great films with all the above and below-the -line people who make them possible.

To contact Carissa Tedesco email: dualitygirl@aol.com